Suprise! You Have Eaten Dog.

My  first day in Tongyeong, several moons ago, I was walking about to get the lay of the land. In the shipbuilding area I was stopped on the street by a good natured Uzbeki fellow by the name of Rapshan. His English was very poor, but we chatted a little bit, and I went on my way. About an hour later, I saw Rapshan on the other side of the bridge and he offered to show me around downtown. I wanted to know where to find a towel, so Rapshan guided us to "New Downtown", where we looked around the mega store "Lotte Mart". I bought a towel and a coffee mug.

We decided to get dinner, so we walked a couple of blocks to a restaurant. Incidentally, we walked by my school. This proved to be serendipitous, as no one from my school bothered to tell me where it was. In any case, we went to an all you can eat Korean barbecue. Actually, this is the only all you can eat Korean barbecue that I have seen so far. Since it was all you can eat, and they had several different cuts of tasty looking meat, I felt obliged to try them all. They were all as tasty as they looked. When time came to pay, I was happy to learn that the meal had cost a mere ten thousand won (~$10).

Now, there is peculiar habit of Korean restaurant owners of sometimes putting cute little cartoon drawings of the kind of animal that they typically sell in their restaurant. For example, in a place that sells pork sausage, you might see a super excited cartoon pig, pleased, presumably at the prospect of being eaten. I had been wondering for the past month where this particular barbecue was, being the only all you can eat restaurant that I am aware of in Tongyeong. Also I knew it was only a couple of blocks from the school. Yesterday, I decided to hit a couple balls at the batting cages near the school. So it happened that I walked to the school from the west instead of from the east. Lo and behold, I had stumbled upon my beloved barbecue. I recognized the orange awning.

Since when I had previously gone to the barbecue it was dark, I couldn't see the the awning very well, and consequently did not see the cute little drawings on it. I did not see the cute little drawing of the clam. I did not see the cute little drawing of the shrimp. I did not see the caricature of a cow, nor did I see the one of the dog, who look so very pleased to have been digested in my stomach. Sorry R.B.

The Korean Dancing Obsession

It's a really nice day, so I think I should go out and enjoy the sunshine before work. It has been raining cats and dogs all weekend, so I feel obligated to take advantage of the sun.

However, I have time for a short entry, to relate to you one of the many bizarre facets of Korean culture: The Korean Dancing Obsession.

When I arrived in Seoul International Airport last month, I made my way quickly to my departure gate (to Busan). There wasn't a whole lot to do to kill time, but there was a TV. I didn't understand any of what was being said, of course, but it hardly mattered since content isn't really the focus of Korean television anyway. I'm willing to gamble that television studios spend more money per show on post-production than production. There are colors and effects and text, and sound effects constantly flying across the screen in an ADD extravaganza. If you think western television is catered to people with a low attention span, as Randy Bachman would say, "you seen nothing yet."

Of course, you cannot make a TV show on obnoxious effects alone. The other staple, for all types of shows and especially commercials, is the synchronized dance routine, wherein some number of attractive, young Korean women orchestrate their limbs in tandem to some invariably ridiculous, cutesy-wutesy, children's pop song.

Not least among the disconcerting qualities of the Korean Dancing Obsession is the juxtaposition of female sexuality and children's themes. This is what happens when a country has modernized, westernized, but has yet to have a sexual revolution: sexuality squeezed out of the cracks, wherever it can, in the strangest of ways.

You may laugh. You may think that the Korean Dancing Obsession is just a harmless tactic for corporations to sell soju and cell-phones. But you would be naive to think so! In Tongyeong, there are currently elections going on. Instead of campaigners doing the sensible thing and rallying, handing out buttons, and that sort of thing, the candidates have some douche bag drive around in a truck with a bill-board style ad on the trailer. There is also a loudspeaker that is constantly blaring some invariably ridiculous, cutesy-wutesy, children's pop song. But in Korea, what would some invariably ridiculous, cutesy-wutesy, children's pop song be without synchronized dancing? That's right, the billboard wagons will stop at a given block to to blare their music and dancers will materialize seemingly from nowhere and engage in synchronized dance routines. Rain or fucking shine.

But it doesn't stop there...and I feel like I'm about to tell my parents that I'm gay, or tell a girl I that I've given her the clap...my school is forcing us teachers to learn a synchronized dance routine for "Sports Day." What an English hagwan has to do with sports beats the hell out of me. What an English hagwan or "Sports Day" has to do with synchronized dancing to some invariably ridiculous, cutesy-wutesy, children's pop song, similarly beats the hell out of me. Oh well, if this doesn't deflate my ego, I suppose nothing will.

After practicing for half an hour with the rest of the staff (and countless tiny children), I turned to my co-teacher Greg and said,
"I think I've just lost my dignity." To which he replied,
"I kinda think that every day working at a hagwan makes you lose your dignity."
Sage words my friend, sage words.

Et Cetera

Disclaimer: There will be no order or reason to this blog entry. It will be a wandering rant with no focus or cohesion. The author recommends that the reader consume alcohol before reading to give the illusion of cohesion.

I am hung-over. I want to write. My brain says no but my fingers say yes...

Yes, I have lost another battle with alcohol, I have woken up feeling like garbage and I probably made a huge ass out of myself last night.

I am not very happy right now, but no one wants to read about people complaining all of the time, so I will do my best to report on as much positive as negative...or at least try to be funny about the negative.

Part One: Fuck You Jenny*!

A couple of weeks ago I met an English girl at No Smoking.** She was pretty and nice and had a good smile. She bitched about the Americans. I bitched about the Americans. We both bitched about the Americans and felt pretty good about ourselves.

Jenny has a Greek something. It has been speculated that this Greek something is, in fact, Jenny' s boyfriend. It has also been speculated that their relationship is slightly more "cosmopolitan" than your run of the mill variety.

I had a lot of fun last weekend hanging out with Jenny, the Greek and the rest of their crew. I felt like I had gained a special place in an international community and and social niche. I was very excited to go with them to Seoul, on the weekend. So I was a little let down when Jenny mentioned to me, only after e-mailing her to ask about bus tickets, that she might not be going to Seoul anyway. She made it sound like she was pretty sure she was not going, which would be fine, except that she decided to go anyway...without telling me (I found out from a Facebook wall post).

Suddenly I feel really bad for trash-talking Americans.


Part 2: Soju Vs. The Buddha

I was sober for a week, I swear! Well...almost a week...four days counts, right? Ah, go fuck yourself!

I've been trying to use the opportunity of being in Korea to reinvent myself--to become fit and trim and clear-headed. And actually, I've made some progress: I go hiking every weekend, and I have gotten into a morning routine of yoga/stretching, running, and meditation, which makes me feel fantastic. I don't have a TV or a computer at home, so I read for an hour or two most nights.

Unfortunately, there is a yin to my yang. When I am by myself, I tend to be very healthy. When I am out with people, however, I start drinking. And I keep drinking until I go home. Maybe it's the Irish blood. Maybe it's the Irish teachers. Maybe it's the fact that soju costs a thousand won per bottle (~$1). In any case, I'm losing weight running, but gaining the it back by drinking beer every night. I clean out the garbage in my mind by meditating, only to wake up with hang-over madness, and a guilty conscience for acting like a drunken asshole.

Part Three: What Am I Going to Do This Weekend?


I really have no idea what I'm writing right now, because I don't have any plans. Well, I have tentative plans to hang out with a Korean girl on Sunday, but I get the feeling that she is just as flaky as Jenny.

I promised myself that I would sign up for Hapkido this weekend and buy myself a bike or a guitar. If I sign up for Hapkido, I imagine I will become obsessed with it very quickly and spend all of my time training at the studio. Perhaps I will go there after I finish writing this.

Oh, it's Buddah's Birthday today, which is a significant reason why I wish had gone to Seoul. Apparently, there are lantern festivals which are supposedly pretty cool. Anyway, there are quite a few temples in Tongyeong, so maybe I will check some of them out.

The other big reason why I wanted to go to Seoul this weekend is because pretty much the coolest dude I've met while down here has been training in MMA for the past year and was going to have a fight. Sadly, it was cancelled. Oh well, it makes me feel better about staying in Tongyeong.

Part Four: The Cursory Bit About Work


I try not to think about work on the weekends. Not because it is overly stressful, but because I think about it enough during the week. It's not a hard job. Being a line cook was much harder, stressful, and required significantly more skill. But then I didn't have to constantly strive to make children focus. Right now we are preparing for open classes, so in four of my classes, we are practicing the same bullshit lesson over and over again for two or three weeks, for the express purpose of putting on a show for the parents.

Speaking of which, they want us to come in next Sunday pro-bono for "Sports Day." What the shit do sports have to do with learning English at a hagwan? Anyway, it gets better: they want us to rehearse and perform a dance for the parents. I'm thinking of flat-out refusing. I never had to deal with this shit as a cook.

One last thing about work. I have one student who never listens and is constantly talking in Korean. Constantly. If given the chance he will mess up his class's open class. He is always playing with stickers and shit. One day he shined a laser in my eye. I have never felt so strong an urge to physically injure a ten year old.

et al.

*Not her real name
**No Smoking is an ironically named bar that white people go to on Friday to hijack the play list and get loser drunk. It is owned by a lady named Sue who in addition to No Smoking owns a store called "Olive"

Sunstroke The Ugly

I was walking home from work when I felt the sudden need to run to a computer and start writing. So instead of running to my apartment to spend some quality time with my best friends (books), I once again took the magical undersea tunnel to the fancy PC bang in the ship-building district. I'm not one of those bloggers who feels they must punish themselves by forcing their steely digits to task for one thousand words per day. I do, however, feel that when the words are welling up and threatening to explode inside of me, I must do my proverbial 'thang' and let the diction ejaculate forth.

Blame my parents for the filth-laden metaphor. It's their fault for reading to me at an early age instead of teaching me division (which, incidentally, I'm still not very good at).

I am recovering. It seems like I am constantly recovering these days. Luckily, I'm getting very good at recovering. This time, however, it's not just from a cold, it's from sunstroke. Not just normal sunstroke, but THE BASTARD STEPCHILD BITCH called SUNSTROKE THE UGLY, who CAUSES DOGS TO BARK WHEN SHE WALKS BY and MAKES BABIES CRY BY SMILING.

Yes, I went on my first island excursion last Saturday, to the island of Bijindo--a lovely little island on the South Pacific made of two smaller land masses and an artificial sand-bar which connects them both. When I woke up the sun was only softly humming through a gauze of cloud and I had a hat anyway, so I though fuck it, I won't need sunscreen. How very wrong I was. The hike was challenging and amazing. There were two separate peaks. It was my toughest hike to date, but there was also a train of old people doing the hike, so I had no excuse to wuss-out.

The effects of the sun stroke did not come down on me right away. And in the intern, I had to make two very important decisions: should I stay on the island? and Should I drink a shit-load of soju like everyone else? Very fucking fortunately for me, I made the right decision in both cases.

When I got back to my apartment at five PM, I felt extra-ordinarily tired. I thought I would have a nap. Begin TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF EXCRUCIATING TORMENT followed by TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF SLIGHTLY LESS EXCRUCIATING TORMENT.

I'm sure it would be nearly as tiring to read about the details as it would be to write them in great length, after all, Shakespeare said that brevity is the soul of wit, and since I assume most of you are only reading this for a cheap laugh (I know I would be) here is a list of unfortunate aspects of my sunstroke:*

- I could not move for the first ten hours.
-After ten hours it really hurt to move.
- I kept resisting vomiting, until I could move into the kitchen and get a pot to puke into. By that time, there was nothing in my stomach to puke up.
-After finally motivating myself to get the water bottle in my fridge (that I had been fantasizing about for the past hour) I discovered that it only had about an once of water in it.
- I noticed two days later that there was a bottle with water in it on my desk.
-At first, I thought I had the flu, so I cranked up the heat and put on lots of clothes. Turns out, this isn't the best thing for sunstroke.
-My pee was brown until today.
-I "peed" mostly from the wrong hole until today.
-Now that I feel better, I have discovered a cold-sore on my cheek (it's okay though, because I'm getting very good at recovery).

But I thank my lucky stars that I didn't stay on the island, where a dozen of my closest peers would hear me whining like a baby, and feel compelled to kick fake sand in my face--initially as recompense for my whining, and later as some sort of soju-induced (and perpetuated) drinking game.

Secondly, I'm thankful that I kept good on my promise to myself of staying off the sauce. Because what was THE BASTARD STEPCHILD BITCH called SUNSTROKE THE UGLY, who CAUSES DOGS TO BARK WHEN SHE WALKS BY and MAKES BABIES CRY BY SMILING. could have been THE BASTARD RED HEADED STEPCHILD BITCH called SUNSTROKE THE REVOLTING, who SMELLS LIKE DIAPERS AND ROTTEN CABBAGE, WHO CAUSES DOGS TO SPONTANEOUSLY ACQUIRE RABIES WHEN SHE WALKS BY and MAKES BABIES CLAW AT THEIR EYEBALLS BY SMILING.

I don't mean to sounds whiny. I really don't. Actually, I feel really good right now. My classes are going well, and relations are getting better with my boss.

If I were to complain about anything, it would be still not having any solid dudes/dudettes that I could call up and for beers...I mean coffee? on a Wednesday. But then, I don't have a phone.

Okay my lovelies, that's it for now. Remember to floss, and never EVER buy milk from a hobo.

Kids Day / Workplace Woes

Hooray! It's Kid's Day! Growing up, I always asked my parents, "Since there is a Mother's Day and a Father's day, why isn't there such thing as a Kid's Day?" To which they would invariably respond, "Every day is Kid's Day." I always thought that was bullshit, and that there should be a real Kid's Day. Sure, for me, it may have come a little late, but at least I get the day off teaching.

I spent another day hiking and walking around. Today, I went through the UNDER SEA TUNNEL and found a new PC bang on the South Shore. This PC bang is the bizzarro twin of the PC bang near my place in Impeyongdon--It has polished tile floors, and hardwood everything. The chairs are made out of leather and the screens are massive. In general, it has the aesthetic of a fancy restaurant. Best part? I don't feel like I have to wash my hands after using the keyboard.

I just had to find a PC bang tonight, because I need catharsis. My boss at Beyond Advanced has done a couple of things to irritate me, so I've decided to write about it here.

Incident One:

I am hastily driven to the school by Leon, who insists I was supposed to be there earlier for training.

Boss: (angry) I can't talk to you, I'm teaching a class. You should have been here at twelve.

Me: We-

Boss: I'll talk to you later, okay?

*Later*

Boss: Why weren't you here at twelve?

Me: Because Leon told me to come in on Monday. (it was Thursday)


Incident Two:

Me: *****, there is nothing in this folder, except an attendance sheet. There is no book, no nothing. I don't know what I am supposed to be teaching.

Boss: (angry) What were you doing when you were shadowing those classes on Thursday and Friday?

Me: I was trying to pay attention to how the teachers were running the classes.

Boss: Well, you should know what to do.

Me: All right, I'll figure it out--I'll ask one of the other teachers if they can help me.

Boss: Always communicate with your co-teachers.


Incident Three:

Me: *****, I don't know what class I'm supposed to teach right now, because I'm confused at the way my timetable was explained to me.

Boss: Well, you should know what your schedule says.

Me: I don't have a schedule. No one gave me a schedule.

Boss: No one gave you a schedule?

Me: No.

Boss: I have one on the computer I'll print it off. *prints it off*
Here is a schedule, but you can't have this one, no one can have this one.

Me: Uhhhh...

Korean Teacher: Here, I'll help.


Incident Four:

Boss: (noticing the hours I filled out on my time sheet) your training hours don't count.

What I am thinking: I feel cheated and angry

Me: Uh, all right.

American Co-teacher: I got paid for my training hours. Don't worry, she's new at this job, I'll talk to her, and I'm sure it won't be a problem.

He does so, turns out paying me training hours is still a problem.

Incident Five:

After warning my students in my worst class at least a half a dozen times not to speak Korean in class, I send one of them out into the hall. I am about to open the door and let the offender back in, when my boss appears at the door.

Boss: Why did you send her out into the hall. She doesn't know why she is being punished.

Me: I told her five times not to speak Korean in class.

Boss: I know some of the other teachers send there students into the hall, but don't do it. Ask them to stand in the corner instead:

What I'm thinking: You want to try teaching this class!?

Me: Sure, no problem.

Incident Six:

Me: So, did those Spwriting 2-2 books come in yet?

Boss: No, you didn't tell me when you didn't get them, so now you have to wait until Thursday.

What I'm thinking: First off, it's YOUR FAULT you ordered the wrong books in the first place. And second, I BLOODY WELL DID TELL YOU, so don't put this on me!

Me: That's fine.

Incident Seven:

Boss: (angry) Where did you get these templates? These lesson plans are unacceptable. Is this the way you filled out your lesson plans at the other schools you taught at?

What I'm thinking: Yesterday, you didn't even look at my lesson plans, because you didn't like the template I used then--the very template you TOLD ME TO USE, I used those templates because they were the only other templates in the office, and I filled them out the best I could WITHOUT ANY INSTRUCTIONS. Other school's I've worked at!? Have you even fucking read my resume?

Me: I found these templates at my desk. I tried filling them out like (the guy who was filling in for my classes) did them.

Boss: Well, you should come in early on Thursday, so we can look at a template.

Me: That what be lovely.

What I'm thinking: $&#@^@!


More soon. Happy Kid's Day, kiddies!

Physical Health & Jesus

I was surprised and a little bit alarmed when Leon showed up at my door at ten in the morning telling me I had to go to the hospital for more tests. Leon doesn't speak very much English, so all he could really do to elaborate was translate the word "liver" on his phone.

I had been stressing hard about about the medical test results for the past week, so I felt a moment of panic.

Now, as an interesting aside, I have been reading the Bible recently, and for a brief moment there was the temptation to make a promise Jesus, or "God" or whatever. God, if you get me through this I will become a devout Christian. Then at the very next moment, I thought to myself: no, that's fucking stupid and went to the hospital with Leon.

When we got to the hospital I felt quite calm, even when I noticed two stamps next to each other, in English, on my medical test results form; one in red saying "positive" and one in blue saying "negative". I guess it was something concerning my liver, and two doctors had differing opinions. Anyway, after sitting in a hospital room for five minutes, we were told that everything was okay and that I could go. *Whew*

So, even though I have a cold that I am trying to fight off, I feel GREAT. I'm relatively healthy, and I get to stay in Tongyeong! What's more is that I haven't sold my soul to Yahweh.

Unfortunately, I think this means I'll be cutting back on my drinking...cutting it back to nothing. More on this later.