I'm Amazed: It's September

Can it really be so? Can it be true that I have a mere three and a half months remaining in Jinju? It doesn't quite feel real. But it is, and so, I feel compelled to exhume this corpse of a blog and write a few lines before I go to bed.

I didn't travel around Korea after Jeju, as I had planned.  A couple of days after I got back, my friend Evan from Tongyeong was having a going away party. The Battle of Hansando festival was going on and they were doing the reenactment of the battle. Watching it, I kept thinking about watching the reenactment two years ago, and how I never imagined I would be seeing it again. 

    I meet my untimely fate at the hands of a Korean spear man.

    Some of the current TY crew.

 
    Japan feels the wrath of Admiral Ye.


One day I went to Sangyessa Temple and hiked up to the water fall. I had come to Sangyessa with Matt soon after returning to Korea, intending to climb to the top of the mountain, but we went the wrong way and ended up bushwhacking it, and nearly getting lost.

It was a good little hike. It was raining, but that ended up being a good thing, since it would have been too hot otherwise. Near the falls was a hermitage. I decided to take a look and ended up having tea with a monk named Il Yong. He didn't want me to take a picture of him, so I took a picture of the view instead.

Burilpokpo

    Here's the view from the Hermitage. I wish I had a better camera, camera skills, because it was        
    a much nicer view than this picture makes it seem like.


Coming back to work hasn't been so bad. Actually, it's kind of nice to have something to do. I'm really having a hard time trying to fill my time. I bought a model kit. I started working on a Rubik's cube. I've been watching to many movies. Unfortunately, the teacher with whom I share a room at the elementary school has moved on--she was super good to work with.

    Mi Hye, hard at work. 

All in all, my life is merely drifting on. I've been taking a break from worrying about the future and I've been feeling pretty peaceful the last couple of days. I hope it continues.

Jeju

Earlier this month, I went to Jeju for a few days with my sister, who also teaches ESL in Korea. We landed in Jeju city and went to a couple of museums there. We stayed in a hostel called "HK Korea", which I would recommend to anyone travelling on a budget. The next day we took the "Dong-il Ju" bus along the east side of the island and went to the lava tubes, which were pretty cool. Here are a couple photos:

This is a really cool waterfall in the theme of the lava pillar at the end of the cave. 

 These little guys are everywhere in Jeju. I think they are supposed to promote fertility.

 Going down...

 Inside the cave.

 No, it's not mud, it's lava rock!

 I know, this picture is a bit confusing. The camera is pointed at the ceiling.

No, it's not a choco pie, it's a lava raft!

After the lava tubes, we intended to go to a reconstruction of a folk village, but we ended up missing the stop. What we should have done was climb up the picaresque sunrise peak, a crater on the east coast. Sorry no photo! We eventually ended up in Sogwipo, on the south side of the island and stayed in another great hostel called "Backpacker's Home".  The next day we decided to hike the big mountain in the middle of the island: Hallasan. 

Here is a roe deer I caught nibbling some grass. 

 This is the last shelter before the top. Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to hike to the top, because we arrived too late in the day (we got there at 1:30, and were half an hour late). So we had a snack and started back down. To make it to the top, you should arrive at the mountain no later than 10:00!

 We were able to check out this cool crater lake though...

 ...and this lookout point.

Even though we didn't make it to the top, we had been on the trail for over six hours by the time we got back to the bottom. The next day we decided to muck around Sogwipo for a bit and then check out Jungmun resort, where we went to a "Ripley's Believe it or Not" museum (not very Korean, but super fun), and a lame chocolate museum.

 This is from Odelgae in Sogwipo.

Kelsey. Somewhere at Jungmun resort. 

After that we pretty much just went back to Jeju City and took the ferry back in the morning. I think I could have spent another couple of days there. If I were to do it again, I would have rented a scooter, for the trip, which my friend Carl insists, you can do. 

Pictures from Korea

In lieu of an new entry, here are some pictures. Enjoy!

Ups and Downs

I've been laying in bed for a while, sleep isn't coming and my mind is unsettled. So, I suppose it's time to write.

Last time I wrote, I left off mentioning that I was severely depressed. I've been having a lot of ups and downs since coming to Jinju. Sometimes it feels like I shouldn't be here--like living in Tongyeong was the real experience and this is just an after-thought. At such times I feel a hungry ghost--lost an unable to move on.

Other times, I feel elated. I feel complete in my solitude--and yes, I feel like I have stepped outside time, and the pre-ordained path on which my life is supposed to unfold, but therein lies the beauty of it. It's easy to mention that you're feeling depressed, because people empathize, but I don't expect people to understand the ecstasy that sometimes overcomes me. People expect solitude to bring sadness and depression, but they often don't realize that it can bring profound experience as well.

When someone asks me what's new, I could tell them--last night, lying in my bed, I pushed past the babbling of my own mind and for two hours floated on the bliss of pure existence. But even as I write this I can imagine my father reading, and on his face is the tight grin that he wears when he thinks someone is full of shit, but believes it's better off to patronize them. I'm sure he's not the only one making that kind of response.

If I mention that staring into a mirror, noticing the imperfections have multiplied I begin to feel my age, and that it makes me think of death. My parents worry--and they take me seriously. But if I mention that after wrestling with that depression, I see that by making a shift from equating self with body, to self as consciousness, I begin to feel an incredible lightness and that the more insubstantial I feel, the more joyful as well, they will not take me seriously.

In other news, I went to the EPIK orientation in Seoul, a little while ago. It was six days long, and better than having to teach class (although, it did eat up a weekend). Spring is coming, and I'm thinking about buying a motorcycle. I have still not completely adjusted to the early mornings, and vow, in the future to avoid work that requires me to get up early at all costs--I have accepted being a late riser, even if the rest of the world cannot. Also, I still haven't gotten completely comfortable teaching elementary school.

Last year I felt like my experience in Korea was an adventure and an incredible opportunity to re-invent myself--and I did. This time, it's more like I'm the same old Brady I was before... just in Korea. My goal in coming to Korea the first time, and again when I departed the second time was to figure out what I was going to do with my life long-term. But now I'm  more unsure than I've ever been. I really have no idea where I will be five years--not physically, nor mentally. It's by turn menacing and exciting.

Time Off and Back to Work

It's been a long time since I've posted anything...

I had most of February off. Lucky for me, my middle school did not ask me to desk warm, so I had two weeks of straight time off. Thinking back on it, I don't know what I did with most of my time, although, I did enjoy myself.

I did manage to do a couple things of note. I went to Tongyeong one weekend, which was, of course incredibly nostalgic. Before I arrived in Jinju, I thought I would never be back there, but I've been back three times since I've gotten here (I think). It's very strange being there. Living there seemed to be a lifetime ago, or it seems like it was someone else's life. Three or four people I knew happened to still be around--either returning briefly, nearing the end of their initial contract, or continuing a renewal. While I was there, I bowled (nostalgia), drank (heavily) and I hiked the most beautiful hike full of familiar views, which eventually dumped me out near my old apartment. (mega nostalgia).

The second thing of note I did was go hiking in Jirsan, with my old friend Matt, who now lives in Sacheon. Matt has been here for a couple years now. I like hanging out with him because he has a great disposition, and he is in his mid-30s, so I don't feel old around him (although pretty unfit). I took the train to Hadong and met him there. We lost the trail pretty early on, and stupidly decided to bushwack it up the mountain for some three hours or so...never making it to the top, sadly. The nice thing about the (mis)adventure was that we rested a couple of times in parts of the forest where people didn't really go, so there was this incredible stillness--just birds chirping and calm. 

The third and final thing I did of note was go to Musangsa temple for a temple stay. I was keen on going because last time around, my temple stay was...not a real temple stay. Last year I made it up to Haeinsa temple, and I stayed a night there but I didn't get to participate in any of the monk activities. This time, I got a more genuine experience--doing the chanting and the 108 bows, and the 2 hours plus of meditation per day. I was surprised at how good the food was. This was, by the way and international temple, so all of the monk spoke English. Curiously, about half of the monks were younger than me, and the other half, older. 

Although the experience was good, all-in-all, I didn't like the idea of making such a big deal about enlightenment. I like it was some grandiose thing that can somehow be attained, through endless hours of meditation, and 100 day solo retreats...as if you could somehow build it. Actually, I think these things are helpful, but somehow, it seemed a forced. One woman had just taken her vows at another monastery and had returned to Musangsa to live as a nun. She had to do 3000 bows in one day, as part of the process! My legs felt like ground beef after 108.

I've been back at school for about a week and a half now. I've at my middle school, new teachers have joined and I lost my old desk in the teachers room. I now hang out all day by myself in the English room, which gets a bit lonely. 

I've started at a different middle school, which I will be teaching at the other 3 days of the week. Right now, it's causing me an incredible amount of stress...namely, because I'm not sure about how to construct my lessons. I know there is a CD to follow, but it doesn't fill enough time, and I'm not sure what else to put in, that isn't going to take too long, and is going to be relevant to the lesson, and is going to keep the student's attention, etc. 

This time around, it's an entirely different experience. Actually, my co-teacher at the elementary school asked me if I was having culture shock. I told here I was here for a year previously, so no, I wasn't....but I think I am.

Truth is, I've been incredibly depressed this last week...to the point that I'm thinking about leaving.

My Five Year Plan

Well, it turns out that for me, getting complete orthodontic treatment will take up to three entire years. I am not willing to stay in Korea that long. Actually, although I'm disappointed that I will have to put off getting orthodontic treatment yet again, I am kind of happy that I won't be here for two years, after all.

I'm not passionate about teaching ESL. The job is not very difficult or stressful. Sometimes it's a lot of fun, but it's not rewarding. Most of the kids really don't give a shit about learning English, and that's a big part of why.

I've been watching a lot of videos on Youtube from supposedly spiritually enlightened gurus such as Mooji, Eckhart Tolle, and Adyashanti. I don't know why they have to adopt silly names after becoming enlightened. I've been reading a book about Ramana Maharishi, too. Truth is, I know that at least some of them are genuine, because I've had the experience of being in the state that they are talking about. It's a bit of an obsession, getting back to it.

The point is, that there is a strong pull within me to eschew the worldly life, and become a monk or a hermit, or a wandering hobo. At odds with this pull is the one that wants to go back to Canada and get started in a career before I'm fifty, for Christ's sake.

A good number of teachers here are my age or older...but most of them are younger. The age thing is starting to feel like an issue. Like I'm running out of time. For most people, teaching English abroad is sort of a fun thing to do when you're young, before you figure out what you REALLY want to do. I don't want to get stuck doing this for the rest of my life because I don't know what the hell else to do with myself. I'm 30 years old, and I've got no career, I'm still single and I've got nothing but $24k in debt and a mouth full of crooked teeth.

I think about that, and I wonder what the hell I am doing here.

But then there is the spiritual side of me that says, "none of that really matters, so just fucking relax already."

Honestly, I would like nothing more than to run off an join a Buddhist monastery but for three things: I don't want to follow dogmatic monastery rules (like going to bed at 9PM and getting up at 3AM, shaving my eyebrows, and bowing to a Buddha statue 108 times every morning), I would really like to fix my teeth, and I feel an obligation to pay off my student debt.

So here is my 5 year plan:

-Finish my contract here, and take distance psychology courses.
-Go back home, get a full time job, start ortho treatment, and go to school part time (more psychology courses) for a year, apply for master's of counseling psychology, and have my current loan paid off.
Then
A) Work part time, go to school full-time for 2 years, become a counselor etc.
or
B)??

Okay, so it's more of a "4 year plan", and it's not bulletproof. But who knows, maybe I'll just say to hell with it all, and run off to Tiruvannamalai, never to be seen again.

The Orthodontic Conclusion, Etc.

A fair bit has happened since my last entry. I brought in the new year in Busan, I taught my first winter camp, I enjoyed the first, and longest leg of my vacation time, I visited Tongyeong, and I have come to a resolution about orthodontic treatment.

I went to Busan with Matt to bring in the new year. We met up with a couple other foreigners and played beer pong. From that point on, I was really, really drunk. We went to a casino, where I didn't gamble, but watched ridiculous Korean girl dance routines, inconveniently placed in front of the only exit. I'm really surprised they let us in in the first place. One guy kept pointing to a sign that said "no drunks". Also, here's a fun fact about Korean casinos: they don't let Koreans in. Supposedly Koreans are known to have gambling problems, and thus are prohibited by the government from gambling.

I got way too drunk, and wondered what the hell I was doing with my life.

The first winter camp, at Jeong-Dong elementary school went swimmingly. I had a lot of fun, and I think the kids did too. I look forward to working at the school in the future. Next winter camp begins for me next Monday, this time at the middle school. I'm looking forward to that as well.

I've spend most of this week sleeping off a bad cold, which I probably contracted partly from acclimatizing, and partly from smoking a half a pack of cigarettes on new year's eve. However, I did find time to make it down to Busan to investigate a dentist who does invisalign. Turns out that the treatment was possible for me, but it would not fix my overbite. I the dentist recommended instead, a a kind of braces that go on the inside of the teeth (liminal braces) called "incognito". Unfortunately, those kind of braces are made in Germany and are made out of gold. So the treatment would have cost about ten million won ($9,000). Although I have 4k stashed away for this purpose, my parents  might be willing to contribute, and the dentist offered to knock off 10%, that's still several thousand dollars I would have to come up with. Plus, I would have to go out to Busan every other weekend.

So I decided to opt in for traditional braces and get them in Jinju. I'm not too excited about this. Lately, I haven't been too hot on the idea of staying here for two years, either, especially since I will be 32 coming out of it. I've been thinking critically about Korean culture lately. It's the collectivism--the cultural tendency of Koreans to unthinkingly conform. My first year in Korea was kind of like living in a bubble. I didn't have a TV, I didn't speak the language, and I was too impressed with the newness of everything to be judgmental. Now I have to watch myself.

I've been continuing with my Korean lessons, but I'm beginning to wonder more and more if I really want to learn the language, anyway. Some foreigners teach in Korea for years without picking up much more than "nae" or "anniyo". I would really like to come out of this with a skill, but right now my passion for learning Hangeul is beginning to wane.

But it's looking like I'll be here for 2 years. So as of now, I hope to walk out of here with 3 things: Straight teeth, no student debt, and fluency in Hangeul.

That's it for now. Talk to you again soon.