Well, it turns out that for me, getting complete orthodontic treatment will take up to three entire years. I am not willing to stay in Korea that long. Actually, although I'm disappointed that I will have to put off getting orthodontic treatment yet again, I am kind of happy that I won't be here for two years, after all.
I'm not passionate about teaching ESL. The job is not very difficult or stressful. Sometimes it's a lot of fun, but it's not rewarding. Most of the kids really don't give a shit about learning English, and that's a big part of why.
I've been watching a lot of videos on Youtube from supposedly spiritually enlightened gurus such as Mooji, Eckhart Tolle, and Adyashanti. I don't know why they have to adopt silly names after becoming enlightened. I've been reading a book about Ramana Maharishi, too. Truth is, I know that at least some of them are genuine, because I've had the experience of being in the state that they are talking about. It's a bit of an obsession, getting back to it.
The point is, that there is a strong pull within me to eschew the worldly life, and become a monk or a hermit, or a wandering hobo. At odds with this pull is the one that wants to go back to Canada and get started in a career before I'm fifty, for Christ's sake.
A good number of teachers here are my age or older...but most of them are younger. The age thing is starting to feel like an issue. Like I'm running out of time. For most people, teaching English abroad is sort of a fun thing to do when you're young, before you figure out what you REALLY want to do. I don't want to get stuck doing this for the rest of my life because I don't know what the hell else to do with myself. I'm 30 years old, and I've got no career, I'm still single and I've got nothing but $24k in debt and a mouth full of crooked teeth.
I think about that, and I wonder what the hell I am doing here.
But then there is the spiritual side of me that says, "none of that really matters, so just fucking relax already."
Honestly, I would like nothing more than to run off an join a Buddhist monastery but for three things: I don't want to follow dogmatic monastery rules (like going to bed at 9PM and getting up at 3AM, shaving my eyebrows, and bowing to a Buddha statue 108 times every morning), I would really like to fix my teeth, and I feel an obligation to pay off my student debt.
So here is my 5 year plan:
-Finish my contract here, and take distance psychology courses.
-Go back home, get a full time job, start ortho treatment, and go to school part time (more psychology courses) for a year, apply for master's of counseling psychology, and have my current loan paid off.
Then
A) Work part time, go to school full-time for 2 years, become a counselor etc.
or
B)??
Okay, so it's more of a "4 year plan", and it's not bulletproof. But who knows, maybe I'll just say to hell with it all, and run off to Tiruvannamalai, never to be seen again.
While I know at 30 you feel time is passing you by. Just remember many people don't get settled into a career until much later. I was 36 when I joined the ambulance service and it was a number of years after that before I decided to make it my living. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know, I keep that in mind.
DeleteI like the wandering hobo idea better but that's kinda what an ESL teacher is, right?
ReplyDeleteUsually I'm not into spirituality much but here I think your spiritual side should be listened to, reading this also reminded me of a couple Baz Luhrmann lines: Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
The spirituality thing is a big issue for me. But to be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to question whether I'm talking about the same thing other people are.
DeleteFor me spirituality is about being centered; it's about having the same good attitude and peaceful demeanor despite the circumstances. My idea of enlightenment is just being a good person that is content and positive, no matter how good or bad the situation might be. Developing this attitude is the most important thing in my life.
But there are huge connotations to surrendering to that mentality. It means that all of your plans, all of your goals and all of your dreams take a back seat. My biggest problem is that I keep going back and forth.